What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their Games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. Its raining." She, being the obstinate type, responded, "I don't think so, dear. I think its snowing." But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, "Let's step outside and we'll find out." Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. Rudolph turns to his wife and replies, "I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because the angel had said, "No L!"
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offence", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened", countered the prisoner.
Effective immediately, the following economising measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Things Not To Say When Hanging The Lights
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?
Six's Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things.) We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
--"You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."
--"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
--"What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"
--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."
--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."
--"Give me that!"
--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."
--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"
--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"
--"Have you been drinking?"
--"Where's the cat?"